Note to self

CN: strong/explicit language, negative self-talk

Dear Jess,

You are trying. You are trying so hard. People have always referred to you as hard working. It’s what you’re known for. In fact, when people ask you to describe yourself “determined” is one of the first words that comes to your mind. You have been working so hard for so long.

Often it doesn’t feel fair. How hard you have to work compared to other people. You look at others: classmates, co-workers, people on the train and it seems so easy for them. You grow to resent them. Why is every minute living in your head so agonising when others just glide through life?

It feels unfair, I get it. But I tell you what’s unfair? You judging others whose paths you have not tread.

You do not own hard work. You do not own tired. You do not own mentally ill. You do not get to treat the people in your life like they are any less entitled to feel or identify with these things.

You’ve become so self-centred lately. Everything is about how hard things are for you. And I know that’s because you’re unwell. You’re stuck in these tangled spider webs. And you are scared. I don’t think you want to admit how unwell you are. Or just how close you are to slipping.

But that is not an excuse for you to be a complete cunt. It may be an explanation, but it is not an excuse.

Just because the world has hurt you doesn’t mean you get to hurt others. The world owes you nothing. And people like J, who loves you more than life itself by the way (you fucking idiot), are not the people who hurt you. Stop taking your shit out on the people who love you.

You know what pisses me off most about your behaviour right now? You’ve forgotten. You’ve forgotten the words of your most favourite person to walk this earth: your Nanna. You know? The woman you have a massive tattoo on your back for? During your speech at her funeral you quoted a lesson she taught you: to be kind and smile at everyone because they are all fighting a battle you know nothing about. You forgot her words. You have forgotten who you are. You are making me sound like Mufasa. But enough is enough.

Working hard is one thing. But it is worth little if it turns you into a prick to be around. Maybe you need to work on other things? Work on being kind. Work on saying “I love you” more. Work on self-care. Work on living according to your values. Work on your trauma at every opportunity. Actually do the homework your therapist gives you. Work on feeding your soul, not just your bank account. Work on doing your hobbies and exploring new ones. Work on your friendships that you have been neglecting for so long. Work on imitating contact.

And lastly, work on looking after yourself so I don’t have to write you another essay like this any time soon.

Your mate whose always in your corner,
Jess x

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